Dad Jokes
- Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
- I used to hate facial hair… but then it grew on me.
- Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
- What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta.
- I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.
- Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
- I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
- Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? He made a mint.
- Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
- How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
- Why did the math book look sad? Too many problems.
- What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
- How do you organize a space party? You planet.
- Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired.
- What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish.
- Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
- Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
- Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
- Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it’s tearable.
- Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
- How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
- I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
- Why can’t a leopard hide? He’s always spotted.
- Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.
- I told my wife she should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
- Why don’t crabs give to charity? They’re a little shellfish.
- Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it’s over your head.
- What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.
- What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
- Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
- What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? “Supplies!”
- Why was the belt arrested? For holding up a pair of pants.
- What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman.
- Why did the computer go to the doctor? It caught a virus.
- Why was the stadium so hot? Because all the fans left.
- What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
- Why did the barber win the race? He knew all the shortcuts.
- How do cows stay up to date with current events? They read the moos-paper.
- Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels.
- Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
- Why did the chicken join a band? Because it had the drumsticks.
- Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer? She kept running away from the ball.
- Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
- What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
- Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired.
- Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
- Did you hear about the kidnapping at the park? They woke up.
- How does the moon cut its hair? Eclipse it.
- Why did the man put his money in the blender? He wanted to make liquid assets.
- Why are ghosts bad liars? Because they are too transparent.
- Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All the fans left.
- Why did the scarecrow become a successful neurosurgeon? He was outstanding in his field.
- How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for fresh prints.
- What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.
- Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.
- Why can’t you trust stairs? They’re always up to something.
- Why did the math teacher call security? Too many functions.
- Why do ducks always pay with cash? Because they have bills.
- Why was the broom late? It swept in.
- Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
- Why was the picture sent to jail? It was framed.
- Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.
- Why was the computer cold? It left its Windows open.
- Why was the cookie sad? Because its mom was a wafer so long.
- Why did the golfer bring an extra shirt? In case he got a hole in one.
- Why was the math book sad? Too many problems.
- What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
- Why did the orange stop? It ran out of juice.
- Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.
- Why do elephants never use computers? They’re afraid of the mouse.
- Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll let it go.
- Why did the coffee go to the police station? It got mugged.
- Why do birds fly south in the winter? Because it’s too far to walk.
- Why did the fisherman put peanut butter in the water? To catch a jellyfish.
- Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.
- Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road? Because it ran out of juice.
- Why was the skeleton lonely at the dance? He had no body to go with.
- What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
- Why don’t fish play basketball? They’re afraid of the net.
- Why did the music teacher go to the principal’s office? She found herself in treble.
- Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.
- Why was the math lecture so long? The professor kept going off on a tangent.
- Why don’t oysters share? They’re shellfish.
- What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool? Bob.
- Why did the baker go to therapy? Because he kneaded it.
- Why did the belt go to jail? For holding up pants.
- Why did the crab never share? Because he was shellfish.
- Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.
- Why don’t cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry.
- Why did the police officer smell bad? He was on duty.
- Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because it couldn’t find a date.
- Why was the computer tired when it got home? Because it had a hard drive.
- Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one.
- Why don’t graveyards ever get overcrowded? People are dying to get in.
- Why did the man get hit by a bike every day? He was stuck in a vicious cycle.
- Why was the scarecrow promoted? Because he was outstanding in his field.
- Why was the calendar popular? Because it had a lot of dates.
- Why did the baker go broke? Because he kept working for a loaf.
- Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
