Making Friends Over 50: Harder But Worth It

(A Guide to Making Friends among Older Men)

Things sure have changed, haven’t they?

Remember back when you were a kid? When you could just come home and tell your mom you had a new best friend – right out of the blue? Remember that? The kid in your class or on the playground that you just met and who you bonded with immediately over something like bugs, boogers, or how gross girls were?

Boy. How times have changed. Nowadays, you can see the same guy at the gym every day for years, nod politely at him, and still not know his name. And he probably doesn’t know yours either.

What the what? Why is this so difficult?

I’ve got some theories on this…

• Maybe we’re all too set in our ways – Face it, we’ve got our favorite restaurants, routines, chairs, the number of sheets of toilet paper we rip off each time… the list is long when it comes to the preferences we’ve formed over a lifetime. Maybe we’re so comfortable in our routines, that the idea of messing with a good thing doesn’t have a whole lot of appeal.
• Small talk? Really? No thanks – I mean, who wants one more conversation about “all this crazy weather we’re having”? Or sharing what part of you hurt this morning as you sat on the bed, getting ready to stand up, eagerly anticipating the exciting new mystery pain that awaited you when you stood and took your first few post-slumber steps?
• We’re suspicious of strangers – And understandably so – there are definitely a bunch of weirdos out there. That last “stranger” you talked with at the grocery store only took seconds to swing the conversation over to “a life-changing investment opportunity”. Remember that guy? Who wants another dose of that kind of thing? I think I’ll pass.

Where do you even meet new friends anyway? (Besides Home Depot Aisle 12)

You are already keenly aware that the days of making all your friends at school are long gone. That said, here are some more realistic places to potentially find new friendships:

1. The Gym – This is a great place to meet health-conscious guys your age. Just be careful with this one. Your innocent conversation could quickly turn into an entire lecture about the latest laxative, protein shake, or workout routine. Maybe you want to talk about that? Cool. Just don’t be “that guy”. Don’t offer up all your worldly advice in one shot or you’ll likely send them running for the door.
2. Church – If you’re a member of a local church congregation, you likely have countless opportunities to meet other men that you may or may not yet have discovered or taken advantage of. There are men’s prayer breakfasts, volunteer groups, choral groups, leadership roles – the list is long. Most churches offer almost limitless ways to get involved. Definitely something to dig into further.
3. A Hobby Group – What are you into? Woodworking? Metal Detecting? Classic cars? Chances are, other men are into the same thing. And, if you live in a medium to large city, there’s a decent chance there are clubs and groups for that very thing. I mean, heck – those folks are your folks, right? What a great opportunity to get together with like-minded men to grow in your skills and abilities while developing new friendships.
4. Volunteer Work – Now here’s a wonderful opportunity to do good for someone else and make friends at the same time. You get the warm fuzzies and the folks you’re helping benefit. That’s a win for everyone involved. Depending on your point of view – and your availability – and assuming you haven’t screwed something up during your time volunteering – there’s a decent chance you’ll be asked to do even more. Maybe even take on a leadership role. If you’re the kind of person who was born to lead, this will be even more fulfilling for you and you’ll grow in your service to others.
5. Your Barbershop – Who doesn’t love the barbershop? I still remember with great fondness, a trip to the barbershop as a little boy. I was maybe 9 years old. There on a Saturday morning, in just one sitting, a guy getting his hair cut in the chair across from me showed me the first hundred dollar bill I’d ever seen, and I caught sight of a Playboy magazine lying on the table beside me. On top of that, I got a free piece of sour green apple bubble gum at the end of my haircut for being so good. Talk about a triple whammy. I was hooked on the barbershop for life. Try this next time – instead of getting there right on time for your appointment, try getting there early. Tell everyone you were out running errands and finished up early and now your day has opened up, so you thought you’d just come hang out. Think about it. There’s always some kind of big deal discussion going on by the guys sitting around waiting their turn in the chair. This is an excellent opportunity to join in and explore what you might have in common with the other customers there. Just don’t talk too much or hang out too long or your barber may encourage you to hit the road. You definitely don’t want to earn the reputation as the lonely guy who won’t leave and doesn’t know when to shut up.
6. Your Neighborhood – I heard a phrase one time – “bonding through bitching”. That’s a real thing. People feel a sense of kinship with people who are complaining about a topic everyone in the group can relate to. You’ve seen it in action many times. Think sports teams, coaches, politics, movies, the list goes on and on. It becomes a them versus us kind of thing. And who doesn’t love to get together to complain about their HOA? Depending on the size of your neighborhood, there may be the occasional block party where everyone brings food, their ice chest, and a folding chair. Are you going to those already? Or are you sitting them out because (pick your excuse). These can be an excellent venue to meet folks and discover commonalities you might have with your neighbors. One thing’s for sure – you’ll never know if you don’t go.
7. Pickleball (or Any Senior Sport) – Where else can you meet new people and pull a hamstring at the same time? Heck – that 70-plus-year old dude in the funky outfit with the knee socks and the shoes with Velcro closures who absolutely destroys you on the court will at least talk to you while he’s kicking your butt. And who knows? The two of you might even become friends.

How to turn an acquaintance into a friend (without it being weird)

Let’s say you’ve found a potential friend—now what? Unlike kids, you can’t just run up and yell, “Wanna play?” (I’m so sorry I wrote that. That is so weird to even think about an adult doing that.) So here’s how to transition from “that dude you recognize” to actual friend:

1. Begin with Small Talk (Even Though It’s Awful) – You have got to start somewhere, so yeah, you might have to comment on the weather or the big game like a normal person. “Did you catch that basketball game last night?” or “Is the line always this long here?” are two ideas for conversation-starting questions.
2. Find Common Ground – Doing this well takes good listening skills. Don’t worry though. You can do this. Without making it sound like an interview – definitely don’t do that – ask questions and actually listen to the answers without being so busy thinking of what you’re going to say next. If you both hate paying for parking or agree that bacon makes everything better, you’re off to a strong start.
3. Suggest a Low-Pressure Activity – Something casual, like grabbing a beer, trying out a nearby restaurant for lunch, watching a ballgame, going to a local car show, or hitting the driving range. Go slowly here and don’t overdo it—nobody wants to feel like they’re being courted. It can also help sometimes to suggest that you’re limited in the amount of time you have available. If the situation dictates, you might say you’ve got to help a friend later move some boxes in his garage – or something along those lines that suggests you’re not gonna try to make the outing last uncomfortably long. I think it can be much less stressful to everyone involved when they know your get-together has an end-time attached to it.
4. Avoid Desperation – Trying too hard is probably the fastest way in the book to make another grown man feel really uncomfortable. Play it cool. No need to text “Had fun today, let’s do it again” like you’re dating. That’s just weird. Whatever you do – don’t come across as a guy who has absolutely no friends and is desperate for anyone to like him. That just comes across as sad and pitiful. You should always remember that people most enjoy hanging out with people that make them feel better about themselves.
5. Maintain the Friendship (Without Too Much Effort) – What’s the best thing about friendships between men? They are low, low, low maintenance. That means it’s not necessary to communicate every day. That means you don’t need to text or call or email or send smoke signals or whatever – every day. Guys in normal friend relationships can often go weeks without any form of communication and be just fine with each other. The occasional text that asks, “You still alive dummy (insert the insult of your choosing here)?” can work just fine in most older male friendships.

You’ve got a friend! Some signs you’re officially friends

So how do you know when you’ve crossed that line? The line between acquaintance and actual friend? Some clear signs:

• He shares a funny meme he found on Facebook with you. No context. He just sends it and you both get it.
• Neither of you feels the need to have to make small talk—it’s just comfortable for the both of you. The two of you can sit there in silence and it’s not awkward for either of you.
• He remembers stuff about your life, like your favorite team or that weird hobby you won’t shut up about.
• He offers to help you move heavy stuff (this is the ultimate sign of true friendship).

Final Thoughts: It’s Worth the Effort

Making new friends after sure 50 isn’t easy, but it’s absolutely worth it. Good friends are an important part of a full life. I mean, you knew that already, right? That’s why you’re reading this article, I expect. They help keep life interesting, keep you laughing, and, most importantly, give you someone to split appetizers with when your wife insists you don’t need your own nachos.

So, get out there. Say hi to that dude you always see at the coffee shop. Join the local pickleball league. Just, for the love of all things holy, don’t say, “We should hang out sometime” in a weirdly intense way. Play it cool, and friendships will happen naturally.

It all starts though, when you get out there around other people who have the potential to share common interests. They’re out there. You just have to find them. The good news? They’re looking for you too.

And if all else fails? Head to Home Depot. Eventually, one of those guys you’ve been nodding at for years may just break down and invite you to lunch.